Coffee & Tears

After all my experiences with losing loved ones I still suck at grieving. I still think grieving is a tidy little thing I can do while I have a cup of coffee and update my facebook status. It's not. I can't believe how bad I am at it. I have no idea how long it takes or what you do or how to feel it. But boy do I feel it today. I obviously need a grief counselor. Or maybe 3 or 4. You see Doc it started 16 yrs. ago... no I haven't yet but it's always on my "to do" list. You should know though I have a short term and a long term "to do" list. Grieve has a prominent place on the long term one. Even I as sit here and write this I think o I must be over it now. My Grandfather died a week ago but in my family you focus on outfits and flowers not how it feels. And I looked good! I can't believe how much that doesn't matter but how comforting the distraction is at the time until a week later when your neck hurts and your manicure is chipped and you can't stop crying. I seriously wish I had something to buy a dress for today because I could use the distraction. Or something to eat I love a little emotional eating.
In the meantime I have been doing some of my other favey(fayvee). Organinzing with my cousin Nicole. Bringing people I love together and spending quality time with some of the big hitters in my heart. I love love love NY in fall. I forgot how beautiful it is. The Hudson Valley is still one of my favorite places. I'm working hard to build very positive new memories here and I'm well on my way. I love being with my cousins as adults that has probably been my favorite part. Spending time doing mundane things with people who have known you since birth and have the same blood, there is a very special rhythm to it. They laugh before you do anything funny because they know something ridiculous is coming. It's the best.
I miss my Poppy already and although he was ready and I am so proud of him for doing it "his way" it's a big loss. He was a very big connection also to my mom so I'm feeling a little double hurt right now. He had lots of cute little stories and good advice. My favorite was that I(and everyone else) was looking for a job from 12-1 with an hour for lunch. I thought that was so funny and I quoted it a million times. One of my favorite last memories of him was when after like a 20 hour drive and a lot of emotion about what I would see when I entered his room in ICU, I leaned over his sleeping body he opened his eyes and I said "hi Poppy it's Tara " and he said, " yeah I know." It was a very appropriate reunion. I laughed and he rolled his eyes at the thought of me thinking there was something wrong with his mind. We spent some great time together these last weeks and I am grateful for all of it. And everything else. And I mean everything.